How To Annoy A DJ

Most club DJ's are pretty affable folks. But, no matter how hard we try, some people still try to annoy the DJ. This doesn't apply so much to private events, but if you're at a club and you surely want to annoy the DJ all you need to do is follow this handy guide on how to annoy us:

1. "PLAY SOMETHING GOOD...SOMETHING WE CAN DANCE TO!"

The DJ has to play for more than one person...so what you hate may be another's favorite song and EVERYTHING played by a DJ can be danced to one way or another. Your inability to dance to a song doesn't make it bad - it just means you don't like it.

2. "PLAY DANCE MUSIC!"

No sweat. Did you prefer house, breaks, techno, trance, jungle, or DnB? The term "dance music" is a pretty specific one. Dance music as a format (also known as Electronic Dance Music or "EDM" for short) is a group of genres that includes house, trance, electro, progressive, techno, jungle, and drum/bass. Hip-hop, rock, and 95% of most radio music is NOT dance music - it's pop. Mike doesn't play Top 40 or pop.

Real hip-hop isn't dance music at all. It's more a cross between funk and folk than anything else. Real hip-hop was primarilly designed to tell a story. On a related note, ladies, rubbing your butt into some dude's junk is NOT dancing - it's rubbing your butt on some guy's junk. Downtown, you'd get $40 for that kind of thing, so do the math as to how you'll be perceived when you grind up on some fool on the dancefloor. And don't get all indignant when you get touched by the dude after grinding up on him - you basically gave him a standing lapdance, so he probably thought it was going in a certain direction. If you didn't want to send that message, you probably shouldn't have rubbed up on his junk.

3. "WOULD YOU PLAY SOMETHING WITH A BEAT!"

BE SERIOUS! We know of NO songs played in a club that don't have some sort of BEAT! Most music played in bars/clubs will run between 100and 140 beats per minute. Real hip-hop tends to be a little slower (90-105 bpm), pop-hop/chick-hop runs in the 70's and 80's, and true club stuff tends to run quicker (125-135 bpm). Some examples of pop song tempos are: J. Timberlake "Sexyback" (117), Britney Spears "Gimme More" (113), G. Stefani "Wind It Up" (120), Akon "Smack That" (119), Shakira "Hips Don't Lie" (102), K. West "Stronger" (rip-off of Daft Punk, but hey he paid out when he got caught)(104).

4. "I DON'T KNOW WHO SINGS IT AND I DON'T KNOW THE NAME OF THE SONG, BUT IT GOES LIKE THIS...."

PLEASE don't sing for the DJ. They have to put up with smoke filled rooms, feisty drunks, and dangerous decibel levels all night long...Do them a favor and DON'T give them a rendition of your favorite song. More importantly, we probably can't hear you over the floor, booth monitors, headphones, etc.... And beyond that, we generally don't care.

5. "EVERYBODY WANTS TO HEAR IT!"

DJ's get paid to program music for the club that will satisfy the largest number of the patrons possible in line with the planned sound for the joint. If people are staying, buying drinks, dancing, etc... chances are that's what most of them want to hear. The music will change when the crowd no longer responds to it - not when you think it should. Don't like the sound of the place? Go elsewhere or loosen up.

6. "EVERYBODY WILL DANCE IF YOU PLAY IT!"

The people that are dancing on the floor have the right to tell me what people will dance to. If they're dancing to what I'm playing now, that's the direction I'll keep going. I'll change directions when the current one stops working. If you want the DJ to take your request seriously, be dancing and then come to the booth and ask for it.

7. "PLAY SOME HIP-HOP!"

If it's in format for the club, sure. If not, no. The owner sets a format for the DJ, and because the DJ gets his pay from the owner, that's what gets played. I'm not sure what it is with hip-hop fans that makes them not recognize any other kind of music as valid. You wouldn't ask Motley Crue to rap, so don't ask a DJ in a Top 40, Rock, 80's, Trance, or other kind of club to play music not in format for the club. When you own the bar, you call the format. Until then, you get what the boss gives you.

8. "I WANT TO HEAR IT NEXT!"

The ONLY people who can get away with that statement write the DJ's paycheck! I mean, really, do you honestly think playing Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again" actually makes sense between Sugarhill Gang's "Apache" and The Beastie Boys "Brass Monkey?" I don't care how cute you think you are, how much you whine/whimper/beg, how much you bat your eyes at me, how many times you push your cleavage onto my arm/back, it's not your call. Also, seriously, don't get way up in the DJ's face/ear to request the song. You're invading my space, you smell like booze and Marlboro lights, and it's really rude.

9. "WHAT DO YOU HAVE?" or "WHAT'S COMING UP NEXT?"

It's a lot easier for you to go have another beer and figure out what you want to hear than it is for the DJ to recite the name of every record in the booth! I carry about 20,000 songs that when printed out fill a 3" thick 3-ring binder that looks like your local phone book. As to what's coming up next, sometimes I don't know until about 10 seconds before I drop it. The reason is that the dancefloor may be in flux, and the direction I go next depends on how the floor "feels" to me. Go dance. Enjoy the party. When it comes on, you'll know.

10. "HEY, MAN, NOBODY CAN DANCE TO THIS!"

It's NOT advisable to say this when the dance floor is packed (but some people do anyway). Also, not every track is DESIGNED for you to dance to it. Sometimes when the dancefloor has been kickin' hard for a while, the DJ will intentionally "crash the floor" for a minute or two to give people a break - there's only so much people can take without having it feel like an Olympic event. Sometimes, the room simply isn't ready to dance. There's absolutely NO sense in playing great dance tracks when there's 8 people in a 200 person room - there's just not enough energy in there to make it work. DJ's get paid to know this - trust us. We'll rock the floor when the floor is ready...

11. "PLAY IT SOON, BECAUSE WE'RE LEAVING "(or "But I missed it! Play it again!")

If your gonna leave after he plays it, why shouldn't he wait till the very last song so you stay all night! There are as many schedules in play as there are people in the bar. The only schedule a club DJ will listen to is the one that starts with Happy Hour and ends with last call. Come early, stay late, dance and buy drinks, and you're well on your way to having a good time. Have fun - that's what you spent an hour in front of the mirror for anyway!

12. "Oh my GAWD! Why are you playing techno!"

Mike doesn't play techno. He doesn't like it. Mike plays house, electro, and a dose of disco. Educate yourself a bit on the music. Everything with a 4/4 beat and a sequenced bass line is NOT techno. Get educated on the music, then bitch about it.

13. "Oooh! I know! Play (insert really obscure or novelty track here)! That'd be great!"

OK, couple quick points here. Novelty tracks have their place and time, but they should be used VERY sparingly and I'd say in 95% of situations, they're simply not going to work. Hava Nagila works great at a Jewish wedding or Bar Mitzvah - not at a corporate party with Santa and a Christmas tree. The Charlie Brown theme song may work with a kids event, but it's probably just not flying at a nightclub. Inside jokes between you and your friends are just that - inside jokes. Nobody else gets it. Even if there are 15 of you, the other 150 people in the club will simply say "What is this DJ thinking?" when I play it. The VAST majority of mainstream parties and events call for mainstream music - the same songs that people have heard 1,000 times and are familiar with. In a lounge, you're getting lounge tracks. In a large EDM venue, the DJ will play more avant garde stuff.

14. "Yo yo yo. Can you switch it up, yo?"

"Switch it up" is usually code for "I hate what you're playing regardless of the format, the crowd response, or the set design, so my selfish ass demands you play my favorites instead." This is usually spewed from Pop Tarts and hip-hop fans. Here's a great response for you - no. DJ's are hired to play what we deem appropriate with the club owner/manager's endorsement. You want to hear all of your favorites when you want them and in your preferred order? Buy an iPod and sit in your living room. Otherwise, have another couple drinks and enjoy yourself.

15. "Me and my friends want to dance! What's with all this chill stuff?"

Uh, it's a LOUNGE. Lounge means you come in, relax, chill, unwind, etc... It doesn't mean "mini club with bottle service" as seems to be the flavor du jour. When you go to a lounge, plan to hear loungey stuff - deep house, acid jazz, funk, downtempo, a bit of tech house, etc... It's not designed for you to dance. A real lounge doesn't have a dancefloor because it takes up space for couches and such. A lounge isn't a club and a club is far from a lounge.